Let's Talk About It
Waylin loves to help hold our groceries in the cart! That’s why you see more in her lap than the actual cart! Hah! We name every vegetable/item that we buy as a way to practice her speech and recognition skills. We also sing songs about them like…”Do the Broccoli Boogie…Oogy-shoogy-shoogy-shoogy.” The answer is yes, we get a few stares! :)
I tend to be a pretty happy creature. I make it my job to lighten heavy situations. Seeing someone laugh is an addiction for me. But, I also have this incredibly serious side to me that people don’t regularly see.
Something I’ve written about nonchalantly throughout the past year and a half of Waylin’s life is: mom instinct. It’s your inner wisdom speaking to you. While I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, I always had a “gut feeling” of some kind. Some days, it’s loud and clear. And other days, it’s present, but it’s in a language you don’t know how to speak yet. It’s heavily coded and those feelings stay classified until we can decipher what they mean.
This was me for the past year in regards to Waylin’s speech development.
Motherhood is very milestone-based. At any part of your day, you can be asked about all kinds of things about your little ones. Almost every time, it’s to compare them to these subjective milestones. You always hear about their baby, or their grandson, or their neighbor’s kid. It’s always a comparison game. I don’t think it’s malicious or anything, but it definitely exists. And, I’m really okay with all of that. We are all humans that seek connections to others. But the one milestone that has been hard for me to be asked about is if she is talking.
I can almost predict the way the conversation is going to go. It the same in the grocery store, at a birthday party, wherever. I am always honest about how she doesn’t say too many words. They respond with the joke about how once she starts, she won’t stop! You laugh and move on. A small part of my heart hurts when I hear that line, because I have felt like I am nowhere near that season of life.
I don’t know how long I have known it in my heart that something is up. I’ve fought myself back and forth so many times about my concerns with her speech. There were times were those feelings were so strong. And there were times where I talked myself down. I would tell myself that all kids are different, and maybe she’s just taking a little more time.
Waylin knows EVERYTHING! You can tell her to pick up something specific and she knows what you’re asking. She knows what words mean. She repeats a small handful of words really well, including some tough ones like “orange.” But, she does not initiate speech on her own. She has 3-4 words that she says on her own, but it’s not every time. It’s very selective when she uses them (Hi, More, and Up).
That mom instinct was eating me alive.
Reading posts from other mamas who tell the world that their little one said “I love you” today or that they already say their shapes and colors is kinda painful. You feel bad being hurt by it, too, as you’re glad their child is doing well. You want to hear it so badly and don’t know when you ever will.
I didn’t realize how much it hurt me to not be able to hear mama yet. She began repeating it about two months ago and I thought I was on top of the world! 🌎 Especially since babies usually say “dada” first because it’s easier (That’s right, Waylin! MA-MA! 🤣 ) But that excitement turned into worry when I recognized she wasn’t calling me “mama” on her own.
And, I’m sure it’s really frustrating for her to not be able to communicate with us about how she’s feeling or what she wants/doesn’t want.
Peace of mind is a powerful thing; more than ever since I became a mother. We worry about so many things. Some days it feels like that pot of pasta that you turn around to see bubbling up into the air and almost spilling onto the stove! Obtaining peace of mind is important because it forces us to be in sync with our emotions. It gives us the knowledge and understanding to remain calm from the stressors we are facing.
I finally decided I needed peace of mind.
We had our first speech evaluation for Waylin and it confirmed what I knew in my heart. She does have a speech delay. She was off the charts and well above her age range on everything but her speech. As a 20 month old, she registered in the range of a 13 month old for expressive speech. And that makes sense to me once I heard the assessment given.
Even though we are just at the start of our early intervention speech journey, I have come to realize that it takes an incredibly strong mother to recognize and accept that something is lacking developmentally about your child. We internalize the blame and think it is something that we must have done. I STILL blame myself for forgetting her bottle when we left the house for her newborn photoshoot which was in the middle of nowhere! We are so damn hard on ourselves. It isn’t fair. And sometimes, we cannot add one more thing to our list of things we fucked up. I can see how easy it is for us to find ways to ignore (consciously and unconsciously) what our instincts are telling us because we can’t handle more criticism from ourselves (and others).
There’s so much pressure to be a good mom…the best mom.
But you know what? Those moms are the ones who listen to those instincts and ask for help.
