On a School Night?!

Last Wednesday (yeah, on a SCHOOL NIGHT!😲), I attended a game night with a group of my co-workers and some strangers after work.  This game night was planned months in advance and had the promise of being a really great night:  fun new game, cash prizes, food, drinks, etc.  By nature, I am a YES girl.  I have a very hard time telling someone "no."  I feel very uneasy when homeless folks ask me for money on the street or when one of those weird mini salespeople that grab you in Sam's Club and ask you how you like your cable provider.  🤷‍♀️ I am so much of a "yes" person that my "no" is generally a "maybe" just to escape the situation.  

In the case of Bunco night, I said "yes/maybe" with the full intention of canceling as it got closer.  Sorry, not sorry.  This is the true sentiment of a "homebody."  I have every intention of being interested at the beginning, but then I start to consider how much time this event will have me out of my house...and out of my sweatpants.  😂 Ya'll, it takes me 0.38 seconds to get into my sweatpants when I come home every single day!  You've never seen me move faster for any other thing in my life!

Somehow, Bunco night flew up on me fast and I wasn't able to cancel without it being a really sh*tty move.  😆 I convinced myself THIS. IS. HAPPENING. 

I let Ben know that he would have to watch Waylin and put her to bed on Bunco night.  Here's the thing, as a mom, I knew I couldn't just "hang around town" until Bunco started.  I knew I needed to go home for the 30 minutes I had inbetween to setup everything he needed to have a stress-free Daddy/Daughter night.  I came home and prepared dinner for Way and him, set out her PJs, diapers, filled up sippy cups with water and some with milk, cleaned up the play area, and set out the right toofiebrush (that's what we call it 😂) and toofiepaste (she has a preference now...weird). 

It was exhausting, but I quickly gave him a rundown of everything and where it was.  He's fully capable of figuring it out.  But, somehow in my mindset, I'd rather stress over everything so he doesn't have to.  #whyamilikethis 

I kissed them a million times and left for Bunco night!  Oh, the gloriousness of driving in your car blaring your music about gangs, killing people, drug deals, etc while on your way to a nice little ladies game night where women bring banana bread, taco dip, and brownies...😂

When I arrived, the *hell yeah pump* of that drive instantly died.  I suddenly felt physically sick.  My entire body felt like it was standing at the edge of a cliff, while pins and needles were prickling everywhere telling me to "JUMP.!"  My introverted personality took the front seat as I stood there wondering how I could leave and go home. 

This was definitely a case of "Fight or Flight."  ✈

I felt so selfish for being there.  It's was nothing like the time Ben let me go to Target by myself to buy jeans.  That didn't feel as selfish because, while showing up to work with no pants is frowned upon, I still spent a good chunk of my time shopping for Waylin.  And, I picked up some food for the family on the way home.  This night was different, because I was leaving my family to socialize with other women, not getting BOGO swimsuits for Way.  

That feeling of sickness stayed with me for a good 2 hours while I was there. I felt very sad inside that I was not going to be there for the first time to put her to bed and tell her goodnight. 😢 I think others just thought I was being shy, but really, I was fighting to feel okay. I was the only person there who had a child...and that makes it hard for anyone to relate to what I was battling inside.

I was the only person to carry my phone around with me at each of the card tables.  The little updates from Ben made me smile, especially the time he asked he if it was okay to change her into her PJs so he could avoid another diaper change! 🤣 In the end, he did a great job!  ❤

I stayed because I knew time away is a good thing: for me and for my family.  It gave Ben and Waylin a chance to bond together while I was not present.  I was able to connect/meet other women and have an adult conversation that doesn't end in "does she smell like poop?" 😂 I had a good time and have signed on for next month's Bunco night!

I need to remind myself that moms don't love their kids less just because they chose to do something without them.  In fact, you can love your children more when you make self love a priority in your life.  I don't know if the guilt of being away from my family will ever completely go away.  But I do hope that it lessens over time.  

Mama needs to win some buncos in the next game so I can bring home the bacon for the family!  💲💲💲

P.S.  I won $3 of my $5 for getting the most snake eyes (aka...not a good thing to win!) 🤣