Mama, I'm Coming Hoooooome!
While we didn't listen to Ozzy on the drive home (it was definitely Marilyn Manson - hah!), it surely felt like a whole different life ahead of us coming home from the hospital. I remember being told that we were going to be discharged around noon. I had mixed feelings about it. While I wanted out of my hospital bed, I was also truly scared of what awaited me outside the "comfort" of being within a hospital. Let alone, the idea that the hospital would allow me to leave with a HUMAN BEING!
While I was packing up my bags and getting her dressed to leave, I started to cry. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt so unprepared. I feared I was going to make a mistake. A lactation consultant happened to catch a glimpse of me as she walked by. It was like she knew before she even walked in. She came in and without words gave me a hug. I cried on this stranger's shoulder until the *complimentary wheelchair* arrived. She held my face in her hands and told me:
"You. are. going. to. be. ok. The fact that you are scared tells me that you are already a good mother to her."
And right at that moment, the wheelchair showed up. I hugged her again and off we went. I'll never forget that woman.
[Sidenote: I'm over here bawling as I am reliving this moment.]
I was wheeled down to the front entrance of the hospital. It felt like a long ride as I held her in my arms swaddled up. Masses of strangers would smile as I passed them. It was like their smiles were trying to tell me "good job, mama!" and "welcome to the best years of your life." We loaded Waylin into the car with a minimal struggle with the car seat (I mean, we've never dealt with one before, so that was expected). Luckily, the HCT that wheeled me down (which is actually a friend of my sister - Hi Brooke!) helped us set it right. I hopped into the backseat next to her, and away we went! Ben said, "What's next?" And the two (well, three) of us had no idea...
One of the biggest reasons for my anxiety of leaving the hospital was breastfeeding. I probably clicked the call button in the hospital every hour when Waylin wanted to feed, sometimes I would click it several times in one feeding (I felt so bad, but as a mama, something didn't feel right). I couldn't tell if she was being fed properly. It didn't seem like she was "getting anything."
Knowing I had a breast reduction almost 10 years ago, I knew one of the risks of agreeing to have the surgery was the possibility of not being able to breastfeed. When we left the hospital, she was clearly hungry again. I let her suck on my thumb (don't worry, it was clean!) and that seemed to ease her hunger.
I'm not sure if this was poor planning on the hospital or myself, but I wasn't delivered a pump to my room. I had to go pick it up on the way home...deathly tired as I prayed my black sweatpants would cover the blood that already escaped the huge pad I was wearing! I had to sit and wait to purchase my pump! I worried about Waylin and Benjamin in the car. He certainly didn't have any means to feed her while I was stuck waiting.
After what felt like hours, I got my pump and we were on our trek back home.
We decided to stop and grab a pizza from Monical's, because we didn't know what the rest of the day would entail. What do you do when you've been given a human? A whole lot of cuddling went down that day, that's for sure! We also tried her out in the baby swing, hoping it would help soothe her.
By the end of the day (I should say *physical day*, because you're a walking zombie those first few weeks anyway), I realized that it is completely normal to feel scared. And I know it's not the last time I'll be scared. All new moms are scared. The cool part is...your mom instinct is generally right. You tend to just know what you need to do, and if you don't, you will figure it out. I know it's hard to rely on that premise, but it just seems to workout somehow. #thatuniversevoodoomagic
LIFE LESSON FROM DAY ONE: As long as your baby is happy, healthy, and loved, you're doing a great job!
